Way too crazy !
by CompleteFamilyAndLife12
Summary: Jack and Kim are married with three kids, living a crazy life. With Jack's parents living across the street and visiting him 9 times a day, Kim goes crazy and realizes that this marriage will be lots of fun, but not easy. And Jack's brother, Jerry lives with his parents too and there are times when things get so complicated each member off the family loses their mind. Good luck !


**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

**Hello everybody! This is one of my new stories and it is based on the show everybody loves Raymond. I changed the characters and I think it suits them perfectly. This is a story based on dialogue and I think it has amazing humour so I hope you enjoy the first chapter and please review and tell me what you thought about it! See ya next chapter! **

Kim walked towards the table and handed her daughter, Ally who was 5 years old a glass of orange juice, while keeping her phone to her ear.

"No, Jack's still out of town covering the yankees." She married Jack a while ago and had 1 set of twin boys, who were 2 and 1 girl.

"Yeah, I know. He's been gone for four days, and he's 16 minutes late." Kim said while wiping the chocolate off of David's face. Right then, Jack entered the back door which was in the kitchen with two suitcases. He walked in smiling while Ally jumped from the kids table screaming 'Daddy!'

Kim smiled while Jack did the same. He bent down and hugged the kids, but Ally climbed on top of the chair.

"Don't sit there, sweetie." Jack warned her, while picking her up and put her back in the chair.. Suddenly, the glass of orange juice was spilled on the floor, so Jack bent down again and started wiping the mess off. The phone rang, so Kim walked over to it and picked it up. She said ok, have a nice day and walked away, screaming Dinnertime! Once that was said, Michael and David, the twins, through their plastic bowl on the floor, which still had food in them. Jack sighed.

"The twins are done." He stood up and saw his daughter holding up a slice of bread.

"Ally's done, too." He continued while he took the bread away. Right then Ally started screaming and the twins were crying. Kim put her hands over her head.

"Jack, what are we going to do?!" she yelled. He walked over to the drawer and picked up a jar. Jack opened the jar and pulled out 3 cookies handing them to each of the kids. Once everybody had their cookies, they yelling stopped immediately. Both parents sighed. Jack looked over at his wife.

"Hi honey." Kim laughed.

"Hey." and Jack kissed her on the lips.

"How did I survive 4 days without you?" Jack laughed.

"What do you mean? You had the cookie jar right in the drawer!" Kim rolled her eyes and chuckled. "But I know, I'm sorry. Nobody hates going on the road more than me." he said and they hugged.

"So how was it?" Kim asked.

"Cal Ripken signed my hat." Jack said showing her the cap. Kim smiled.

"Well David spit up on my shirt!" Jack smiled.

"Well I'm not trading!"

"Ok! Just be happy you made it home for my birthday!" Jack looked at Kim while he folded a shirt.

"Of course I made it home for your birthday! Are you kidding? Your birthday is … umm" Kim looked at him shocked.

"On Sunday…" she said.

"Yeah right! I knew that! Big party!" Kim smirked.

"And how old am i going to be?"

"I know that."

"Jaaaaack … how old?" she said while folding a few towels.

"All right, all right, I just have to backtrack. Let's see, when I proposed, you were 23."

"Mmhhm."

"And you said no."

"Right."

"Then I proposed you were 24." she looked at him and they both said in union 'no again'

"Then I took a year off to regroup."

"Yup." she said.

"Then, I came back with a job … BOOM! Married!" Kim smiled.

"And that would make you … 32 …" Kim looked at him shocked with a face that said 'How could you?'. Then jack continued.

" … 32 … ish." Kim chuckled.

"All right. I'll accept that."

"Good cause… big party." Kim looked at him lovingly and walked towards him.

"You know what? I don't want the party. I just want a nice day at home with my favorite husband and my kids, okay?"

"Okay, and I guess my parents and my brother, Jerry, too right?" That's right Jerry is Jack's older brother. Kim dropped the towel she was folding and scratched the back of her neck. Jack looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"My parents and my brother? Whaaat?" Kim turned around to face him and spoke up.

"Jack it's - it's just that …. you know how much I love them. They're my family, too, but I was wondering if perhaps we wouldn't have them over on Sunday.

"Well why not?" Jack said.

"Well, it's just, you know, honey, every day that you were gone, they dropped by and then your dad is always waking up the kids and now they don't even call first, they just _walk _into the house. Plus the fact that they live across the street … doesn't really help, either."

"Well yeah, it's quicker just to come by." Kim looked at him tiredly.

"I _know _!"

"Oh come on, Kim, it's like we are on the way."

"No Jack, we _are _the way. We are where they are going!"

"You see, now you're exaggerating a little." right after Jack said that, his mom, Marie walked into the house, screaming.

"You're home!" she said. Kim looked at Jack with a look that said 'told ya'.

"Hi mom!"

"Hi, I saw your car pull up, before. You didn't call." she said while walking up to him. Jack opened his arms, but Marie pinched his cheek and walked past him.

"Oh and dear, I brought you some baking soda for your fridge. I smelled something questionable." she said to Kim. Kim pressed her lips together, swallowing the insult. But she got used to it, right? I mean, Marie has been making fun of her since she married Jack, but you know...she sucks it up every time. Jack took a few steps towards his mom and asked.

"From all the way across the street?"

"Oh no dear, when I was here yesterday." Marie said while walking into the kitchen. She opened the fridge and looked in.

"Oh no, IT'S WORSE!" she said with a gasp. Kim turned around and slapped her forehead while looking at Jack for some help.

"All right, all right. Look, Ma, we can buy our own baking soda." he said with some hand gestures.

"I know sweetie, but you don't." she said again while laughing, like it was no big deal. She walked over to Kim and touched her sweater.

"Oh look! What do we have here? I'll get you some club soda for that too." Marie said while walking out on the hallway. Jack followed her.

"No Ma, we have club soda."

"No, your father finished it. I'll see you later." she said, while opening the front door and closing it behind her. Jack turned around to see his wife with some laundry in her hands and her special look. Jack sighed and smiled.

"It comes from love!" he said and Kim walked up the stairs with a groan and Jack followed her.

"Look I'll talk to my father about it."

"Well, while you're talking to him, would you mind mentioning the answering machine?" she said while putting on pyjamas.

"He's still responding to the messages? I changed the code."

"Well somehow he cracked it." she said while walking to the phone in their room. She pressed the play button and the messages started on going.

"_Hey hope everybody's doing good and, Kim, you forgot to call Julie back. She sounds like she has a very interesting visit to the gyno." _and then the machine beeped, signaling the end of the message. Jack looked at Kim while making the bed.

"well that was funny. You know, umm, I get it, it's not for everybody, okay?" Kim sighed. "Look, he's just fooling around. That's what he does. He's like one of those guys. What do you call them? … an idiot.

"But do they have to bring your brother over?"

"Well, Jerry lives with them. You know Jerry. He doesn't like staying alone."

"He's 40, Jack."

"Oh come on … he loves the kids."

"It's like … the way Jerry eats. You know, the way he has to touch every bite to his chin before he puts it in his mouth. That's - that's weird."

"That's an idiosyncrasy. It's like when he's counting and he gets to the number 12, and he has to take his shoes off. Everybody has those." Jack said, while unpacking the suitcases.

"How did he ever become a police sergeant?"

"Cause he's a good cop and they didn't make him count… or eat." Kim chuckled.

"I don't know, Jack. It's just that every day, and between them and the kids, I just feel -"

"Lucky?" said Jack.

"Jaaaack."

"All right, look, all right. I'm sorry." He said while sitting on the edge of the bed with her. He put his hand over her shoulder and spoke up. "I'm home now, and maybe you need a break. I'll tell you, why don't you go out with Julie tomorrow night?" Kim looked at him scared.

"What, and leave the kids with your parents?"

"No … I'll do the kids." Kim scoffed.

"Oh so you think I can't do kids? How about the time you went to your aunt's for three days?"

"I took the kids with me, Jack!"

"Yeah, but I fed myself …" Kim laughed which made Jack laugh after, as well.

**TIME SKIP:**

Jack brought the twins in his room and put them in front of Ally.

"Ok, Ally, which one's Michael and which one's David?" Ally pointed to one of the boys.

"That one's Michael." she said.

"Mm-hmm you sure about that?"

"Yeah."

"All right, now, we shuffle them." Jack picked up one of the kids and mixed them up on the bed. He turned them around, mixed them up again and then sat on the bed with Ally.

"Okay which one's David?" Ally laughed but didn't say a word. Jack looked at the boys confused.

"Ok, don't tell mommy about this." Then the doorbell rang and Ally jumped up from the bed.

"Leo!" Ally run downstairs and Jack opened the door to find his friend from college Leo. He smiled and let him in while Ally hugged him.

"Hey man what's up?" said Leo.

"Hey check this out. I found a way where I can exercise and watch these guys at the same time." Jack said while holding up the twin boys in his arms.

"I call these the twin flies." Jack started lifting each boy up with each arm while grunting. Leo laughed while holding Ally.

"You know what's great about this? The fact that every week the weight naturally increases. Argh!" he said while lifting the twins up again.

**TIME SKIP:**

Jack came running from upstairs and into the living room.

"Leo turn that thing down. I just got the kids to sleep." He said while turning the volume from the TV down.

"Sorry. Hey so do you wanna go to Nemo's and grab a slice?" Leo asked. (P.S Nemo is a pizza restaurant)

"Leo, my kids aren't fish, okay?" Jack said while sitting on the couch watching TV. "You can't just sprinkle food over the crib and leave."

"Call your mother."

"No, I can't. Kim's got this thing about them coming over too much lately." Right after Jack said that, his mom, Marie came in yelling 'I got the club soda!' and Jack groaned. Marie looked at Leo and said hi.

"Hello Mrs B. Hey, umm would you mind sitting with the kids for a little bit while me and Jack hang out for a bit?" Jack's eyes widened and started saying no, no, no, but Marie interrupted him.

"Not at all! But where's Kimberly?"

"Ma, you know she hates that name. She went to the movies with Julie."

"The movies?" asked Marie surprised.

"Yeah."

"Well I guess some people get to live it up." Jack mentally slapped himself. When will his mother get to like his wife?! "You guys go wherever you want. I'll be right here." Leo smiled.

"You rock Mrs. B! Come one Jack!" said Leo while heading for the door.

"No, no, no. Kim doesn't like me leaving them with …" he trailed off while Leo turned to face him and Jack faced his mother.

"…with….out me." Marie laughed.

"Oh come on, they're sleeping! Go with your friend!" Leo didn't say any other word. He just left for the car nudging Jack in the shoulder.

"Ok fine. It's 8:30 we'll be back in one hour."

"Oh, would you go?! Come on you're insulting me!" said Marie while pushing Jack out of the house.

**TIME SKIP:**

Jerry and him and Jack's father, John walked into the house.

"Marie where were you!? We've been looking all over for you!" said John.

"Well, where did you look?" Jerry sighed and spoke up.

"We thought we would start here." Jerry went in the kitchen leaving his parents alone.

"Where are the kids?"

"Oh no, they're sleeping!"

"Oh come on, they can sleep when we go!"

"Well if you really want to see something, look at this." Marie said while picking up something from the table. She handed the paper to John and he took a look at it.

"What's this?"

"A $120 receipt from Victoria's secrets." John took it and looked at it closely.

"Holy crap! What the hell is a bustier?!" Marie looked at him uncomfortable.

"It's a thing, you know. To pull you in here." She said while pointing at her 'chest'. Jerry walked over to a table and took a small trophy in his hands.

"When did he get this?" he said while picking it up.

"Oh that's an award your brother got for his sports column." (Jack is a sports writer.) Jerry looked at it sadly and put the trophy down.

"It never ends for Jack." Marie looked at him and squeezed his cheek.

"Oh, poor Jerry!" Jerry sighed. "Everybody loves Jackson." He turned around and walked slowly while his mother caught up with him, he was wearing his police uniform. "When I go to work people shoot at me. Jack goes to work, people do the _wave. _Then, he sits down has a hot dog, writes on a piece of paper and people give him a trophy." Marie looked up at him. Believe it or not Jerry was a really tall person, you could call him gigantic!

"To tell you the truth, I think Jack is wasting his life writing sports. I mean a writer should be writing short stories and poetry." She said the word poetry with a soft calm voice while looking up at the ceiling, smiling.

"Do you think I'm wasting my life?" Jerry said while biting from his sandwich.

"Well … it's different with you dear." Suddenly John came from upstairs while holding the twin boys and Ally by his side.

"Look who's up!" Marie smiled.

"Oh would you look at that!"

**TIME SKIP:**

The house was going crazy. Ally was yelling, while banging a pot on everything, while Jerry was feeding the twins … the way he knew. He was touching their food on the chin every time the food was supposed to go directly in their mouths. Jack entered the house while Ally jumped on the couch almost hurting herself with the pot.

"Oh no, no, no, no -"

"Hi daddy." said Ally, like everything was normal. His father, John was sitting on a chair with his pants unbuckled, so that he can… loosen up. Eh the usual.

"Hey Jack, wanna watch the game with me?"

"No, no, no, what are you doing, everybody?!" he said while picking up the popcorn from off the floor. "Kim's gonna be -" Jacl started to freak out. "Okay I'm gonna ask you quickly and quietly to move to YOUR NEAREST EXISTS!"

"Oh come on son, it's the fourth quarter!" said John.

"Dad, please buckle up and go." his dad sighed while getting up and buckling his belt from his pants and zipping the zipper. Everybody walked towards the door and Marie spoke up.

"You know, when somebody does you a favor you're suppose to say thank you."

"Yeah, yeah, thank you mom and dad, thank you. Now, can you please go!?" John walked to the twins chairs.

"Let me just smell their heads once more." Jack rolled his eyes.

"Dad, please, please dad -" too late. His dad smelled their little heads while rolling his eyes back.

"Mmm, it's the fountain of youth." he started smelling again and Jack walked over to him trying to pull him up. "Mmm, I'm sucking in that youth!" Jack finally pulled him up.

"Dad, please let go of their heads. I'll give you money." he walked his dad towards the door.

"Hey keep your money! You're gonna need it. Victoria's not a secret anymore!" Jack slapped his face.

"Okay okay, just go." Marie walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek.

"Okay hunny, we'll see you on Sunday at Kim's birthday party." Jack pushed them out while Jerry turned around at him and sighed.

"Nice trophy." and then he walked out the door. Jack looked at him confused but shut the door. He picked up the kids and went up to put them to sleep as fast as he could.

**TIME SKIP:**

Kim walked in the house while Jack came down from upstairs. Kim looked at the living room and smiled.

"Hey, you're home! I was just checking on the kids." Jack said and Kim hugged him tight. "Still sleeping like logs." Kim pecked him on the lips and looked again around the room.

"Oh my gosh, Jack look at this place! It's spotless! You cleaned up for me!" kim said excited.

"Well, you're not the maid." Jack said and Kim grinned.

"Oh, you are so wonderful! Hey I'm gonna go real quick to take a look at the kids, okay?" Jack nodded and Kim made him a sign to come with her… Jack grinned. He quickly walked to their bedroom and taking off his shoes, happily and taking off the pillows … preparing himself. Right then, Kim walked into the room.

"Hey hunny." said Jack.

"Hi. Umm Jack, why do the boys' heads smell like old spice?" Jack looked at her terrified .. he's trapped.

"What?"

"Your father was here… sucking the youth out of their heads again, huh? And your brother was here too. Just found this froot loop on Michael's chin." she said while taking off her jacket. "Are you going to tell me what happened here tonight, or am I going to have to call your parents?" Kim said upset while walking towards the phone.

"No, no, no, no, no." Jack jumped towards the other side of the bed and snatched the phone from Kim's hands. " Please, please, no, no , DON'T CALL THE PARENTS! No!"

"Okay, so I put them to sleep and my mother came over and then I went out with Leo." he said.

"What?! You left the kids with your mom?!"

"No, my dad and Jerry were here, too."

"WHAT?!"

"BUT THEN! Then I got rid of them, and then did some cleaning. Huh? You noticed the cleaning down there!" Kim sighed and put her hands on her hips while walking across the room.

"Okay, what was so important that you had to go out for?"

"Pizza." Kim gasped.

"PIZZA? YOU WOULD RATHER GO TO A PIZZA THAN PROTECT YOUR OWN KIDS?!"

"Would you leave the pizza? It wasn't even good! And they woke the kids up."

"What?"

"But I put them back to sleep and everything is fine now!"

"Jack, you told me that you were going to stay here and watch the kids."

"I know. I know, but -"

"But what? But what, Jack."

"I don't know." said Jack while shaking his head.

"You don't know? I'll tell you what I know, Jack, your folks are not coming here on Sunday. That is my birthday and I should be allowed one day in peace without them. And you know what? I want you to call them and tell them that's what we want because they need to get the message, that we have our own lives and we are entitled to a little privacy!"

"You're right, you're right. You're absolutely right." said Jack while sitting on the bed. He meant what he said it was just that he was scared of his parents. They just got married and Kim was going nuts with his family now that they show their true colors. Plus she wasn't used to them. She will get used to them when she starts feeling scared of them … like he does.

"So you'll tell them?" said Kim while putting her hands on her hips.

"I … can't do that."

"What is this hold they have on you? I'm asking you for me! Please, can we celebrate our birthday alone?" she said with her sweet eyes sparkling. Jack sighed.

"I can't uninvite them."

"You can't?" there was silence between them. "Well then maybe _I _won't be here." she said while picking up a pillow and a blanket.

"Oh come on, don't! No don't sleep on the couch … I just cleaned down there!" and he sat on the bed thinking what to do.

**TIME SKIP: NEXT DAY**

Jack stepped on the porch of his mom's house and rang the doorbell. His mom, Marie opened up and smiled.

"Oh hi Jackson!" she said while giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"Ma, I told you not to keep calling me that!"

"Since when dear?"

"Since fourth grade." his mom laughed.

"Well I will keep doing it because you are my son and I decide what to call you." Jack sighed. "Your brother's at work and your father's out, buying one of those balls for your toilet. So, I got the whole house to myself. Oh is that my large fork?" she said while pointing to his hands.

"Yeah yeah, that's why I came by, to return it."

"Oh well I didn't want to say anything but that happens to be a very good fork."

"Listen, Ma I wanted to talk to you about Kim's birthday."

"Oh yes, talking about birthdays. Your birthday gift to me finally came this morning. Did you know you sent me a box of pears from a place called Fruit Of The Month?"

"Yeah, that's right. How are they?"

"They're very nice pears … but there are so so many of them…" she laughed nervously. "There are over a dozen pears, what am I suppose to do with all those pears?" she said desperately.

"I think you're suppose to eat them Ma."

"Myself?"

"Yeah you and dad and Jerry."

"How many pears can Jerry eat? I appreciate the thought Jackson, but don't ever send us anymore fruit again. Thanks darling."

"Well another box is coming next month." Marie turned around with widened eyes.

"WHAT?! MORE PEARS!?"

"No it's a different fruit every month."

"EVERY _MONTH _?"

"Yes Ma that's why it's called Fruit of The Month club." he said calmly.

"IT'S A CLUB?! WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WITH ALL THIS FRUIT?!" she yelled.

"Well most people like it, Ma! Share it with your friends!"

"Which friends?"

"I don't know, Lee and Stan!"

"LEE AND STAN BUY THEIR OWN FRUIT!"

"Oh my God!" Jack put his hands over his head.

"Why would you do this to me, Jackson!? I can't talk! There's too much fruit in the house!"

"Oh what is happening?" Jack walked in the hallway where his mom run. "I'm sorry Ma!" right then John walked through the door.

"Marie! Oh hey Jack." Marie walked over to John and looked at him desperately.

"John, do you know that the fruit keep coming month after month?! He's got us some kind of a cult." Jack groaned.

"It's not a cult Ma it's a club." John looked at him shocked.

"What do you mean month after month? For how long?"

"A year."

"HOLY CRAP! Are you out of your mind?"

"Oh, all right, I'm so sorry dad."

"What do you think we are, invalids? We can't go out and buy our own fruit?!" yelled John.

"ARGH ALL RIGHT I'M CANCELING THE DAMN FRUIT CLUB!" Marie walked up to him and hugged his torso since she was shorter than him.

"Thank you Jackson and don't ever do that again."

"Like we don't have enough problems." said John.

"Yeah yeah, look I gotta talk about the party."

"Ooh yes, the party." said Marie all excited.

"Yeah, yeah look I was thinking umm there isn't going to be a party."

"Who's dead?" asked John.

"Nobody's dead, dad."

"How can we not have a party? I baked! I've never heard such a thing!" said Marie.

"We're not having a party because umm I'm surprising Kim. Yeah I'm taking her to … Beeeeeear Mountain." he said while making the word Bear long so that he can think what to add next.

"Beeeeer Mountain?" asked Marie.

"Yeah and this is a surprise, alright so you can't go tell her anything. Thank you very much I'm outta here." he said while trying to go out the door.

"Yeah but wait a minute now." she said while running towards the counter. "Maybe there's a long trip to Bear mountain. TAKE SOME FRUIT!" she said while handing him a big box. Jack walked out the door when Jerry came in and looked at him and then at his mom.

" Jack gets the pears, too?" he said disappointed and feeling betrayed.

**TIME SKIP:**

Jack looked out the window towards his parents' house, making sure they are not coming. It was Kim's birthday and until now, his plan was working. Kim came down the stairs smiling.

"This is the best birthday I have ever had." she opened the curtains and Jack quickly closed them behind her. She looked at him confused.

"Are you okay?"

"Uhh yeah! But we have to keep the atmosphere." he said while closing the other curtains. She smiled and told him to come over and they started making out.

"Wow I thought this only happened on my birthday." Jack said and they continue making out.

**(A.U: THERE WILL BE NO SEXUAL CONTENT IN THIS STORY OTHER THAN KISSING AND MAKING OUT. RATED M FOR LANGUAGE! )**

"Oh Jack, I am so glad you set your parents straight, huh? Doesn't it feel good to be honest?" she said while Jack unbuttoned the first 2 buttons from her dress.

"Yeah yeah it does feel good. I don't know what I was afraid of." and then they started making out again, Jack on top of Kim. Right after the door opened and the two of them heard a bloody scream from Marie, followed by a scream from Kim. Kim quickly buttoned her dress and got up screaming.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" she asked.

"What are _you _doing here?!" asked Marie.

"We live here." said Kim, then John spoke up while Marie left the tray of food on a small table.

"We thought you were on Bear Mountain."

"Bear Mountain? Who told you that?" asked Kim shocked.

"JACK!" said Marie, John and Jerry at the same time. Jack spoke up.

"You want to holster the weapon, bro?" Jerry was wearing his police uniform. He pulled the gun from his back pocket and and blew the top of it as he fired with it already and put it back. Kim looked at Jack with a raised eyebrow.

"Well?" Jack sighed.

"Okay okay, I lied, I LIED TO EVERYBODY! I was trying to make everybody happy."

"Nice job." said Jerry.

"I know I should've known better, especially with _my _parents. The only people who treat a box of fruit like it's plutonium, look the truth is that me and Kim wanted to have a day to ourselves. She has it pretty hard around here and I noticed it. I mean, dad, I know you want to joke but maybe you shouldn't say 'Oh I think little Michael has homosexual tendencies.' and Ma, you can't be that critical. If you wanna be could you please call before you come over here, really, so we could be ready? Could you both call? We have to prepare. There is bills and receipts we hide and then we chant a little. We love you both but this is our house and Kim's my wife and if you can't accept what I'm telling you … then you can't come here anymore … unless you come first. oh and Jerry could you not eat near the kids?"

"Dear you just had to tell us first. We would understand." said Marie.

"Yeah, when did you get so sensitive." said John and they walked out the door. Jerry turned around and looked at Kim.

"Happy birthday." and walked out the door. Kim chuckled and closed the door. They sighed together.

"I guess I did it." said Jack.

"Yeah you did, you were so brace out there." she smiled and kissed him. They sat on the couch and started making out again. A few moments later Ally came down the stairs.

"What are you doing?" they jumped apart and Jack whispered : 'Okay we'll try this on my birthday.'

**TIME SKIP: IN THE TWINS' BEDROOM**

"Look at our kids they're pretty cute." Kim said.

"Yeah I hope they stay that way." said Jack and Kim looked at him confused.

"What?"

"Well see, I've been thinking. That's the danger of identical twins. They're cute because they're babies, but when they get adults, even if they're slightly ugly, that's gonna be magnified. Because if you see one slightly ugly man walk across the room, that's no big deal. If you see the _same _ugliness right behind him, you're gonna notice. It's like, hey I didn't know he was that ugly until I saw him _again._" Kim sighed and went to bed. This was one special birthday.


End file.
